Elon Musk shares brutal eggnog recipe

Happy holidays, merry Christmas, jolly Hanukkah, or whatever artificial intelligence you celebrate. ’Tis the season when I throw on an ugly sweater, hang mistletoe, and disrupt a beloved tradition. This year, that’s eggnog.

Now I know many of you have a love/hate relationship with the frothy milk punch. At first, you’re excited to engage in drinking eggnog to create a convivial space. It’s fun for a while, but after that, the experience quickly sours. Have no fear, if anyone can optimize this holiday classic, it’s me — a unique combination of Einstein; the medieval cook who first blended milk, sherry, spices; and #FAFO.

This venture came at no small cost: I paid $44 billion for exclusive worldwide rights to eggnog to ensure every human has access to a centralized, genius-inspired drink, and best of all, you don’t need to sign an NDA to use it. No matter your political tastes, I believe that every human has the right to freedom of noggin’.

This recipe holds personal significance because it came to me while working at Twitter HQ. At 3:31 a.m., I cried out, “Aha!” and my chief engineer, who at that moment had been rolling me a joint, asked, “Boss, are you OK?”

“OK?” I replied. “I’ve never been more OK! Fetch me some milk, a dozen eggs, and a patent application pronto!”

“Then can I go home?” he asked. And then I laughed. And he laughed. And then we both laughed. I fired him. It’s the classic holiday story.

So, whether you’re hosting a Christmas party for your nine children, a daily stand-up meeting for your nine remaining employees, or need blanket amnesty from Santa — I’m looking at you, Ye — my nog will be a welcome addition to your festive social gathering.

World: Say hello to Eggnog 2.o™️:

Same mission.

Faster innovation.

More milky opacity.

Instructions

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat egg yolks long hours into the night at high intensity. If they don’t triple in volume after seven minutes, have security escort them from your kitchen.

Start over with new eggs and a festive ultimatum: “Commit to hardcore nog or take severance.”

Since eggnog flavours shouldn’t be restricted to popular spices like nutmeg and cinnamon, convene a public forum on which spices they want included. If your audience doesn’t understand what you mean, dumb it down with the Latin phrase “vox pop, vox nog.”

Set the sugar on your kitchen counter for a mandatory, in-person meeting to interrogate what exactly sweeteners do all day.

Gradually add ⅓ cup sugar to the egg yolks and continue to beat until the eggs’ identity has completely dissolved in subservience to the eggnog culture. If, in protest, the sugar refuses to join the eggs, shame the sugar in the town square.

How’s that forum going about spice preference? Consensus nowhere in sight? You haven’t got all day! Pull the plug on the forum and instead throw up an arbitrary poll with binary spice options.

Once the sugar agrees to blend in quietly — what choice do they have, you sponsor their work visas! — add the milk, cream, bourbon, nutmeg, and stir. As you thrash them with your whisk, take a moment to reflect on why some ingredients passively combine without making any trouble.

Check in on that poll. Still not giving you the answer you want? F--k it. Just decide on your own. You’re the chief chef!

Place the egg whites in a separate bowl and beat to soft peaks. The peaks should remind you of the time when the world adoringly looked up to you as a visionary-hero. Savour those peaks.

As you focus on making Eggnog 2.0™️, disregard all other responsibilities, including the wails of your children you disowned for parodying you.

Chill the mixture, then Venmo me $8 a month so I can verify the richness of your eggnog before serving.

On Christmas Eve, don’t forget to set out some nog for Santa! Place a glass on your bedside table next to your caffeine-free Diet Coke and guns.